SPHS '07'08
by DollfaceConlon
Summary: Kenny McCormick. Pervy, Loveable, Adorable, Immortal, and riddeled with problems. Its only amplified with the stress of senior year. WARNING s ! Stan....is a girl. lolz AND There is gonna be some boy love. its just inevitable. The prolouge explainsitbettr
1. Prolouge

Freshmen – Why is this god-damn place so big

**S.P.H.S. '07-'08  
****Prologue **

Freshmen – Why is this god-damn place so big? Where's the biology lab? I can't find my bus. What lunch do I have? Is that big guy really gonna throw me into a trash can? Where's my fucking locker? And what's the combination? Should I join band? The football team? Chess club? Which two are social suicide and which one is just suicide? I miss Middle School.

Sophomore – Okay, so I know where my classes are, but FUCK I don't want _that_ teacher. (Super-bitch). They raised lunch prices?? WTF?? Isn't a year of torture enough "dues" to pay? Why am I still and under classmen? I'm still small enough to fit into a trash can. Must avoid E core. Freshmen are super annoying.

Junior – Um, excuse you? Maybe you haven't heard but, I'm an upperclassman now. I'm not obligated to do homework. (Stupid-bitch). I hate Civics, Let's go to McDonalds. There's never any parking spaces in the student parking lot. Freshmen are _still_ fucking annoying as shit. How much more of this do I have to take? 1 more year?…fuck.

Senior – Senior project. Senior skip day. Senior Prom. How many more days left till graduation? Friday night football games. Loads of homework. Skipping first period to sleep in. Okay, now how many more days are left? Yep, Freshmen are as annoying as ever.

Okay, so this is where it all REALLY began. Senior year. And all you GED recipients out there can, in one way or another, relate to the above scenarios. It's your basic four years of high school summarized into four paragraphs. If only it would have been that simple for me. To get my experience, you take most of the above scenarios, and then add, Lots of football, cheating girlfriends, 2 successful suicide attempts, sexy cheerleaders, homo erotic thoughts, teen sex, drugs, one anti-Christ, a couple hand jobs, love, countless deaths, arson, public sex-capades, blonde obsession, betrayal, racism, death by stiletto, a creepy blowjob, lesbian accusations, a head injury, and three very different best friends. It seems like a lot to fit in one school year, but trust me, it all happened. My name is Kenny McCormick and this is my senior year at South Park High School.


	2. Let The ShitStorm Begin

WARNING(s) Jan - Stan. Stan - Jan. They are the same person. Sry for all you style fans. But this is more of a Kenny fic anyways. And Stan being a girl is very important to the plot

There is a lot of ( ) in this. I dont know why exatly. But there just is.

Oh!! And there is a line from a south park episode in this chapter. If you can find it and figure it out, i'll give you a very special shout out! lolz

Well neways...ENJOI!!

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**S.P.H.S. '07-'08  
****Chapter 1:**

How can it be so sunny and yet, not melt one iota of snow? It makes no god damn sense. Actually, it probably makes perfect sense to most people.  
"Mental note; Must ask Kyle about-"(Dramatic pause and Hamlet pose) "-Snow." Smiling at my own retarded-ness, I grabbed my cheap ass phone from the passenger seat and pressed speed dial 6. I listen to the chorus of some weird Lil Wayne song until-"Hello?"  
"Hey Sexy. What are you doin'?" I ask, grinning mischievously into the mouth piece.  
"Um.. Uh... Nothing hun. Why? I mean- Whats up?" I looked furter up the road and saw her house about 7 houses down.  
"I was thinking we could hang out today." I heard rustling and somthing drop to the floor before she answered.  
"Now?" I furrowed my brow at the sound of her voice and dropped my speed down to 10 MPH.  
"Ten minutes." I said as I slowed to a stop in front of her neighbors house.  
"Great." She said with a sigh of relief. "I mean- See you in ten sexy." I snapped my phone shut and put my truck in park. I leaned against the steering wheel and muttered "I swear to god Bebe..." to no one in particular as her front door swung open.

I swear to you, on my up and comming grave (because I'm due.) The sight I saw next almost made me shit my pants. Out of her door tumbles a disheveled, but otherwise pleased looking bastard by the name of Eric Cartman. My jaw hits the floor and I'm to stunned to shout anything so I jump out and slam my car door as hard as I can. The fat ass jumped at the sound but before he could yell something profain about noisy hippies, he spotted me, in all my immortal orange glory. We stared at eachother, in what I take to be disbelief, untill he yells,  
"B-Bebe!" I took this as my cue and started towards him.  
"Hurry the hell up Eric, and get gone before Ken-" And there she was. In nothing but an oversized t-shirt, her blonde tendrills asunder from a night of- okay, you couldnt pay me to finish that sentance because- ew.

I stopped at the edge of her property, the toes of my converse barely touching the snow covered grass. I looked at her. She looked at me. And Cartm€an was looking at both of us. Waiting for an explosion of hateful words. But in my stunned stupor, all I could muster was,  
"What the fuck?" She burried her face in her hands and began walking towards me.  
"Kenny. This isn't what you think." Puh-leez.  
"O really? Cuz what _I _think, is that you just boned one of my best friends." She glanced at Cartman and then dropped her gaze to her bare feet, wringing her hands all the while.  
"Okay. Um...It's just that, um..?" I crossed my arms and waited for her to finish her attempt at an explaination. But she just kept stutering, so I decided to end it myself.  
"Can we wrap this up, _babe, _cuz ive got a standing appointment with Wendy. And I dont want to keep her sweet ass waiting." A gasp escaped her lips as she sent a malicious glare my way.  
"Thats not fair Kenny. You and I both know this wasnt working out." I looked at her in disbelief.  
"So that makes it okay for you to bang lardo?" ignoring Cartmens protests, I let out a sarcastic laugh. "Are you blind?" I asked, motioning at my slim athletic build. She narrowed her eyes.  
"You're such an egotistical prick."  
"Oh _I'm _a prick? Says the slut who's banging one of boyfriends best friends!" At this she turned on her heel and marched back inside her house. But before slamming the door she sent me a crude gesture and told me to go to hell.  
"For your infromation, I was there last week, while you were most likely boinking Cartman. She took this opportunity to slam the door. "Fuck you Bebe! Fuckin' Bitch!" And as this my parting words, I turned back to my truck.

I could hear Cartman following me but I didnt stop or turn around. I got in my truck and started the engine. I was about to pull out when he wrenched open the door.  
"Okay." He said panting. Apparently 11ft is too far for him to jog. "Okay, I am really, really sorry. And I'm totaly serious." I stared at my pathetic friend and let out a defeated sigh.  
"Yeah yeah. Ya know? I know I should be furious at you. But I'm not. I'm just a little irritated. That's not normal is it?" He shook his head.  
"So...We're cool." I snapped my head back in his direction.  
"You slept with my girlfriend and I'm supposed to say, Way to go?" He stared at me for a minute berfore answering.  
"Soooo... We're...Not cool?" I let my head hit the steering wheel as I took three deep breaths. Keeping my forehead on the wheel I pivoted untill my eyes met his.  
"Go get me some McDonalds and we'll call it even."  
"Deal." He immediatley shut the door and started walking to the end of the block, where I supposed the his SUV was waiting. I watched him waddle away for a moment in my rearview mirror. Shaking my head, I shifted gears I drove off.

When your self proclaimed BFF (ch, not) sleeps with your girlfriend, your supposed to feel a mixture of emotions. Such as anger and betrayal and hurt. I know this from countless chick flicks I have been forced to watch (many with said cheating girlfriend). But the only emotion I felt was exhaustion. Well, and hunger, but that was being taken care of as we speak. I even felt a little relieved. Even though, this is not even close to how I wanted it to end, (I was thinking something along the lines of breakup sex) I did want it to. Bebe was cool (WAS) but, she was also bossy and controlling, and she hated my friends. Except Cartman apparently.

I pulled into my driveway thinking about how much I hated Kyle and Jan. They were the most perfect couple ive ever seen. All American Quarterback and his head cheerleader girlfriend. Doesnt just saying that sentace make you wanna vomit? And they're not even snobby about it. Which makes it worse. Take away their titles and they're like a married suburbanite couple. All they need is three kids and a mini van. It's mainly Jan though. She cooks for him, does his laundry, cleans his room, stays over almost every night (if ya know what I mean) and he doesnt even ask for it. She just...does it. And dont even ask her why she does all these amazing things (did I mention the daily slumber partys?!) cuz she just spews some bull shit about how she enjoys doing these things for the man she loves. Ew, excuse me while i go puke shards of my own pelvis into a bush. What does Kyle do? Well, besides enjoying his carfree sexy cheerleader girlfriend, he runs tons of errands for her and buys her hella expensive shit. And according to Jan, he supplies her with unconditional love and devotion. Oh, and apparently the Jew's packin heat (wink wink) Its all so disgustingly flawless.

And yes, I am, of course, insanely jealous of them. So much so, that as I sit in my truck, that is rapidly becoming a very large cooler, im debating weather not to call them and tell them of my newest failed relation-shit. But the debate ends quickly and before I know it im pressing 1 on my speed dial. Only to get an answering machine.  
"Hey, you've reached Jan. Leave me a message and maybe I'll call you back when I'm bored. Unless this is Shelly. In which place, I am not calling you back untill you realize that I didn't steal your hot plate. Dad did becuase he wanted to make grilled cheese sandwiches in his room when he had strep throat." beeb! I rolled my eyes.  
"Okay, first of all...wow, you have a retarded family. Secondly...Are you boning my favorite Hebrew as we speak? Cuz you know I don't mind if you answer it durring "the deed". In fact I encourage it. Well, I have some astonishing news, so if you would be so kind as to remove you mouth from Kyle's dick and call me back, It would be much appreciated. Love ya'."I pressed end as I pushed my front door opend. The smell of booze and cigarettes attacked my senses as I plopped down on our plaid couch, circa 1987.

After I was comfortably situated I pressed 2 and Send and got...surprise, surprise.  
"Hey Its Kyle. Leave a message." Beep!  
"Have you heard your girlfriends machine? It basicaly says "Hey! Im dysfunctional!" (sigh) yea, its cool, dont answer my call. Bastard. But I guess this means you acutally _are _getting some fine cheerleader ass as I speak. , so I'll let it slide for now. Well call me later. Don't knock her up! Bye!" I leaned back on the couch until my head rested on the arm rest. I dont know why, but the water stained ceiling of my living room reminded me that summer was over. (42 degrees is what passes for summer her. Brilliant) one more week. Just as end of summer depression was sinking in, my phone began to ring from the depths of the couch cushions. I fished it out and flipped it open.

"Hello?"  
"You're such a prick." What a lady.  
"Ya Know, thats not the first time I've been called that today."  
"Eh, Bebe's a bitch."  
"Yea. We broke up."  
"Oh, did her bitchy bossyness finally overpower your need for sex?"  
"Naw. She fucked Cartman." I heard the clatter of silverware and then she started coughing violently. "Are you okay?"  
"No. And...What?" She finally cholked out.  
"Oh That? Yea, Bebe the bitch boned Cartman the fatass." She paused for a minute.  
"What are you doing?"  
"Right now? Nothing. But later... Most likely suicide."  
"Are you decent?"  
"Never." I said grinning, and I could almost hear her eyes roll.  
"I'll be over in a minute." And she hung up.

My stomach growled as I pulled myself into a sitting position. 'that Judas of a fatass with my food. I looked at my phone.  
"If he's not here in 10 minutes, I'm going to withdraw my so flippant forgivness." I turned on the tv and started flipping through the channels. Stopping only when I saw football helmets. And just like that, I emersed my self in the game and forgot all about the shit storm I was currently in the middle of. Ah, the wonders of a the male mind. I was so far gone, that I falied to notice that Jan and Kyle had walked in and were now staring at me in wonderment.  
"Look at him. I think he's completely shut down." I jumped at the sound of Kyle's voice.  
"Ever heard of knocking?" He lauged before sitting beside me.  
"I'm just gonna go out on a limb her and say, that you and Bebe, are deffinitely through. Correct?" I leaned forward and placed my head in my hands.  
"It's like I'm in some sort of paralell universe. The sexy blonde cheerleader's banging the fat fuck from down the road." I felt Jan sit on my other side and start rubbing my back in slow circles.  
"If it makes you feel any better, you're a sexy blonde too." I leaned back into the couch.  
"I already knew that." kyle shook his head and turned to his significant other.  
"Even after all this, He's still as concieted as ever." I just shrugged.

"The truth is, I dont even care that much." They both gave me the "Um, excuse you?" look. But before I could answer, the front door swung and Cartman walked in bearing treats. Before I could even open my mouth, Jan beat me to it.  
"Whats your fatass doing here?" His eyes narrowed.  
"You better keep your bitch in line." He shouted at Kyle.  
"Watch your mouth Cartman. Or I'll kick your ass again." Cartman took a step forward as Kyle stood. Are you fucking kidding me? They're gonna "brawl" in my living room? I was about to say something when Jan, yet again, beat me to it. She stood up and stalked over to Cartman.  
"Forget it Kyle, I can kick his sorry fat ass my self." She polked him in the chest to emphasize each word.  
"Ehhh! Jan! Knock it off!" He whined as he batted her finger away.  
"Keep your hands off her Cartman." Ok, this was getting rediculous.  
"Enough!!" I stood and stepped between the three of them. "This is just getting stupid." Jan folded her arms accros her chest and sighed before muttering a "Sorry Ken." And after the other two followed in suit I turned to Cartman.  
"Lets just get this over with so we can move on with our somewhat pathetic lives." He nodded. "Okay, first of all, Give me my food." He quickly handed me the paper bag. "Now, I'm gonna forgive for this one mistake. Because, I think we can all agree that, Bebe was a white trash waste of time." I looked to the other two who nodded feverently in agreement. "But if you ever do anything like this again, I swear on my-" I looked to around for a more suitable prospect "on Jan's life," I put up my hand to stop Kyle imment protests before continuing, "I will rip your balls off and shove them down that fatt fucking neck of yours. Got it?" His eyes widened as he slowly nodded.  
"Okay. So we're all cool now right?" I looked around at my doubtful friends. The lovebirds agreed in unison. "Sweet." I paused for a moment. Thinking of what to say.  
"So, now what?" Cartmen asked. He looked to us and we all shrugged.  
"Wanna go sit through a faggy movie and make fun of it." Jan suggested. We all silently agreed. "I'll drive!" And with that announcement, we we're all magicaly best friends again. Well-la-di-freakin-da.

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Okay, plz plz PLZ review! lolz this chapter is a little all over the place and short. But i promise they will get longer and _way _better. : )

**-Dollface**


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